Rushing makes you self centered

The idea that rushing can make a person self-centered is not a new one, and several scientists have studied this phenomenon. Research has shown that when we are in a hurry, we tend to become more focused on our own goals and needs, and less attentive to the needs and desires of others. This can lead to a more self-centered and less empathetic mindset.

As psychologist Craig Anderson explains, “When we’re in a hurry, we don’t have time to think about other people. We’re so focused on our own goals that we don’t pay attention to what’s going on around us.” This can result in behaviors that are less considerate of others, such as cutting in line or ignoring someone who needs help.

Similarly, neuroscientist Paul Zak has found that the hormone oxytocin, which is associated with empathy and social bonding, decreases when people are rushed. “When you’re in a hurry, you’re not going to have the same level of empathy for others,” he says.

These findings suggest that taking the time to slow down and be mindful of others can lead to greater empathy and connection. As psychologist Daniel Goleman notes, “When we’re rushing, we’re not fully present in the moment. We’re not really there for ourselves or for others.” By taking the time to be present and mindful, we can cultivate a more empathetic and compassionate mindset.

It’s incredibly hard to do something you hate.

Doing something you hate can be a daunting task, and research suggests that it can have significant negative impacts on mental health and well-being. According to Dr. Emma Seppälä, the Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, “When we dislike something, we experience negative emotions such as boredom, frustration, anger, and disgust. These emotions can be harmful to our mental health, contributing to feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression.”

Dr. Seppälä’s findings are supported by a study conducted by the University of Warwick, which found that job dissatisfaction can lead to mental health problems such as anxiety and depression. The study’s lead author, Dr. Chris Boyce, stated that “We consistently find that job satisfaction is positively correlated with both mental and physical health, while job dissatisfaction is correlated with poor mental health.”

Dr. Seppälä emphasizes the importance of finding joy in our daily activities, stating that “Research shows that when we enjoy what we do, we are more productive, creative, and motivated.” This can involve finding new perspectives in which we look at the daily tasks.

Talents to convene instead of convince

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We must start with definitions.

Convincer (kuhn-vins-her) noun A person who perpetually attempts to convince everyone they’re smart, hold the correct opinions, and—they can’t stress this enough—unequivocally deserve to be in charge.

Convener (kuhn-veen-her) noun A person capable of convening a group of people more intelligent and experienced to listen, learn from, and—they can’t stress this enough—ultimately make some damn progress.

While we desperately need conveners, we live in a world of convincers. A convincer already knows everything there is to know, and they feel obligated to convince the rest of us to hold their exact opinions or views. A convincer will even go so far as to project an opinion or motivation onto someone who holds no such view to allow themselves to continue convincing. A convincer’s thirst to be right can never be quenched. As a consequence, nothing is possible unless a convincer deems it so.

A convener doesn’t care about any of that. Who cares who’s right? A convener is happy to be wrong. It means they put themselves in a position to learn something and gain a perspective previously out of reach. A convener knows it’s impossible to understand one’s motives, desires, and aspirations without first engaging in constructive dialogue and getting to know them as a fellow human being. A convener treats everyone like they matter, seeks understanding and progress, and knows the perfect outcome or resolution is a myth. A convener gets things done.

Building relationships

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People who lack social sensitivity are easy to spot—at least for other people. Social sensitivity appears to be related to cognitive empathy. Attention to social context lets us act with skill no matter what the situation, instinctively follow the universal algorithm for etiquette, and behave in ways that put others at ease. In another age this might have been called good manners.

Circuitry that converges on the anterior hippocampus reads social context and leads us intuitively to act differently with, say, our college buddies than with our families or our colleagues. In concert with the deliberative prefrontal cortex, it squelches the impulse to do something inappropriate. Accordingly, one brain test for sensitivity to context assesses the function of the hippocampus. The University of Wisconsin neuroscientist Richard Davidson hypothesizes that people who are most alert to social situations exhibit stronger activity and more connections between the hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex than those who just can’t seem to get it right.

The truly effective ones have a high degree of emotional intelligence. The same circuits may be at play when we map social networks in a group—a skill that lets us navigate the relationships in those networks well.

Alarmingly, research suggests that as people rise through the ranks and gain power, their ability to perceive and maintain personal connections tends to suffer a sort of psychic attrition. This is so predictable that an algorithm for it—called automated social hierarchy detection—has been developed at Columbia University.

But the real point is this: Where we see ourselves on the social ladder sets the default for how much attention we pay.

Connectedness: Engage with others

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Being connected is one of the realities of life; in fact, recent neuroscience research shows that we’re hardwired for it: When we talk to other people, mirror neurons in our brains light up to mimic the emotions and behaviors the other person is conveying. Matthew Lieberman, director of UCLA’s Social Cognitive Neuroscience lab, suggests that human beings’ need for connection is even more basic than food and shelter and is the primary motivation of a person’s behavior.

Reaching out and letting trusted others in is an absolute must when it comes to cultivating moral resilience. And note here the word “trusted.” This is also key. Sharing challenges, difficult emotions, and frustrations can make us feel vulnerable. Being in the midst of moral distress is not necessarily the time to test the waters with those who can’t be counted on to be present, to listen and to hear, to have empathy and show compassion, and to offer benevolent honesty and, at the same time, grounded hope. Knowing that you are not alone in your moral struggle can go a long way to alleviating a sense of isolation and despair.

What we do when someone disagrees with us

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Kathryn Schulz, author, Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error, summarizes what we do when someone disagrees with us that is worth pondering.

“The first thing we usually do when someone disagrees with us is that we just assume they are ignorant. 

When that doesn’t work. When it turns out those people have all the same information and they still don’t agree with us we move onto a second assumption. They’re idiots. They have all the right pieces of the puzzle and they are too moronic to put them together.

And when that doesn’t work. When it turns out that people have all the same facts that we do and they are pretty smart we move onto a third assumption. They know the truth and they are deliberately distorting it for their own malevolent purposes.“

So this is a catastrophe: our attachment to our own rightness. It prevents us from preventing mistakes when we need to and causes us to treat each other terribly.

We are all the same

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I believe that every human being has an innate desire for happiness and does not want to suffer. I also believe that the very purpose of life is to experience this happiness. I believe that each of us has the same potential to develop inner peace and thereby achieve happiness and joy. Whether we are rich or poor, educated or uneducated, black or white, from the East or the West, our potential is equal. We are all the same, mentally and emotionally. Though some of us have larger noses and the color of our skin may differ slightly, physically we are basically the same. The differences are minor. Our mental and emotional similarity is what is important.

~ Dalai Lama

Circles

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In his book The Accidental Creative , Todd Henry talks about an interesting aspect of social groups. Namely that relationships are key to growing personally and professionally.

Many of the greatest creatives throughout history have gathered in small groups to stay focused and engaged, and the practice continues to benefit those who go to the effort to instill it.

“These small group meetings can stoke your passion, help you stay aligned with what matters most, inspire and give you new ideas or directions for projects, and simply feed you emotionally in ways you may be lacking.” says Todd Henry.

At the end of the day, gathering a small group of individuals that want to further their craft, hobby, inner-personal life, business — whatever the reason — is going to be beneficial.

The emotion of wonder

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Angela Lee Duckworth, in her book – Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance; makes a very convincing case that the determining factor of success in life isn’t talent, but grit. That is true for interpersonal relationships as well. Grit is more important than the equivalent of talent in relationships; what we call “chemistry,” “connection,” or even love?

Duckworth says that in order to be gritty and stick to an activity, it helps greatly if we’re interested in it.

The same is true for people. We must foster a sense of wonder about their thoughts, emotions, passions, and personalities.

The emotion of wonder is like brain candy. If I ever made the mistake of revealing the secret, their brains would stop wondering and disappointment was inevitable. The same is true for movies, books, and television shows. If someone tells us how it ends before we experience it ourselves, then we get disappointed (and probably angry) because our brain was robbed of the opportunity to wonder.

When you catch yourself saying “I’ve tried everything,” it’s a sure sign that you’re losing interest in that person. You’re starting to expect and assume that they will let you down. You’re starting to judge their message before it’s even been delivered.

Where there is no wonder there is only disappointment. Bring the wonder back. Be interested in this person again. Change the above statements to wonder-filled questions like: “I wonder what is going through his mind right now?”

We’ve given up being curious about one another because we’re too wrapped up in being interested in ourselves! Don’t let that be you. Develop a keen interest in others.

Ethos, pathos, and logos

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The early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy that is embodied in three sequentially arranged words: ethos, pathos, and logos. Three words contain the essence of seeking first to understand and making effective presentations.

Ethos is your personal credibility, the faith people have in your integrity and competency. It’s the trust that you inspire, your emotional bank account.

Pathos is the empathic side—it’s the feeling. It means that you are in alignment with the emotional thrust of another person’s communication.

Logos is the logic, the reasoning part of the presentation.

This sequence represents another major paradigm shift. Most people go straight to the logos, the left brain logic, of their ideas. They try to convince other people of the validity of that logic without first taking ethos and pathos into consideration.

~ Covey, Stephen R.. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People