For most of our existence as a species, humans have operated in high-context mode. Our ancestors lived in settlements and tribes with shared traditions and settled chains of command. Now, we frequently encounter others with values and customs different to our own. At the same time, we are more temperamentally egalitarian than ever. Everywhere you look, there are interactions in which all parties have or demand an equal voice. Everyone expects their opinion to be heard and, increasingly, it can be. In this raucous, irreverent, gloriously diverse world, previously implicit rules about what can and cannot be said are looser and more fluid, sometimes even disappearing. With less context to guide our decisions, the number of things on which “we all agree” is shrinking fast. Think about what defines the low-context culture, at least in its extreme form: endless chatter, frequent argument; everyone telling you what they think, all the time. Remind you of anything?”
We, humans, are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment in our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason, it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. Nor is it so remarkable that our greatest joy should come when we are motivated by concern for others. But that is not all. We find that not only do altruistic actions bring about happiness, but they also lessen our experience of suffering.
Belonging is an idea associated with groups and tribes — political parties and sports teams.
But a sense of belonging based on group membership is a false substitute for the real thing.
Psychologists say belonging is defined by being in a relationship or part of a community where you are valued for who you are intrinsically. Just like we need food and water to thrive physically, we need to feel valued, needed, and cared for — like we matter to others — to thrive psychologically.
Belonging that requires group affiliation is by nature contingent — your value is defined through associating with the group, not through who you are.
This is why group tag as a symbol of belonging is so not right. It reduces real individuals, with all their complexities, to nothing more than a group label.
True belonging doesn’t exist in groups. It lives in moments among individuals. And it is a choice — we can choose to invite others to belong or to reject them by building walls that shut them out physically or emotionally.
Research studies have found that when people are rejected and ostracized in these ways, they conclude that their lives lack meaning and worth.
Perhaps even more intriguing, the people who do the rejecting also leave such interactions feeling alienated and insignificant.
But when we build belonging with one another, we feel that our lives are more meaningful. And it’s not hard to see why: When other people treat us like we matter, we feel like we matter, too.
When bad feelings occur in our close relationships, we tend to put off the work required to make things right. We always assume we’ll have another chance . . . later. That’s understandable, but it’s a mistake. Feeling resentful toward the people we love, or once loved, feeling distant from them, erodes our own happiness.
A brush with death often instills in us a newfound appreciation for the gift of life. Simple pleasures—a cup of tea, sunshine on one’s face, the voices of our children—feel like miracles. When we’ve had a close call that shakes us up, the anger we’ve felt toward people closest to us no longer seems significant. Ill will dissolve in love, appreciation, and affection, and we recognize the urgency of mending, tending, and celebrating our relationships.
A deep, natural drive to connect with others lies at the heart of what it means to be human. That can help you discover opportunities to enliven all your important relationships—with your children, parents, relatives, and close friends. You need not wait until towards an end. By taking the time and by caring enough to express forgiveness, gratitude, and affection, you can renew and revitalize your most precious connections.
Angela Lee Duckworth in her book – Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, makes the very convincing case that the determining factor of success in life isn’t talent, but grit.
Is that true for interpersonal relationships as well? Is grit more important than the equivalent of talent in relationships; what we call “chemistry,” “connection,” or even love?
The same is true for people. We must foster a sense of wonder about their thoughts, emotions, passions, and personalities.
We give up being curious about one another because we’re too wrapped up in being interested in ourselves! Don’t let that be you. Develop a keen interest in others – even (especially) the difficult people in your life.
Connecting with people isn’t always going to be a natural process. There are some people in this world that you’re going to have to PRACTICE connecting with.
According to Duckworth, people who practice with a deliberate purpose in mind are more likely to have grit. Practice isn’t a mundane, meaningless chore to them. It’s the path to improvement.
Vulnerability: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Given the potential consequences, why would anyone ever choose to be vulnerable? Who wants to risk an emotional attack?
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable (most often to those we are closest to, but also occasionally to others when the situation would benefit from us putting ourselves out there), we can create amazing reciprocal interactions that empower all parties. Most importantly, we strengthen our connection with the people we are sharing with.
Being vulnerable starts with being honest with yourself. How can you get better if you can’t admit that you could be better? How are you going to be a better partner or friend if you can’t admit that sometimes you aren’t a great one? How will you learn from your mistakes if you don’t acknowledge making any?
When we share that vulnerability and find people we can be open with, we form valuable connections. After all, to really trust someone, we need to know if they are going to be there when we are vulnerable.
When we have people with whom we can be vulnerable, we actually reduce our exposure to potential harm and improve the quality of our life.
Are you using “butterfly effect” to your advantage?
The Butterfly Effect is a common cliché often used to describe how a simple is the starting point of a ripple in space that continually expands leading to a larger effect. Simply explained it goes something like this:
If a butterfly were to flap its wings in Manila in April, the long-term effect of this small action might result in a hurricane in Miami the following August.
This idea is based on research by MIT meteorologist Edward Lorenz. In 1960, he created a non-linear mathematical model for predicting the weather. His discovery, that a small shift in a single variable could, over time, create a much larger effect was truly revolutionary.
Understanding how the butterfly effect works can transform your life. It explains how some right action in a part of your life leads to few right outcomes in some other, seemingly unrelated area of your life. Do you experience it?
100 Words Everyday 