Recognize when you have a “left-hand column.”

Photo by Marcelo Chagas on Pexels.com

The human brain processes information faster than people speak. We’re thinking a lot, even when we are listening. Most of us have relatively good filters, so we monitor and manage a stream of thoughts and feelings during any conversation.

What’s problematic is when we censor ourselves to the degree where we say one thing but think and feel something entirely different.

When you don’t say what you think and feel, you leave the most critical part of you out of the conversation — and you know it. You’re suppressing what’s known as the “left-hand column.”

Chris Argyris and Donald Schon, former professors at Harvard and MIT respectively, created a tool designed to improve communication effectiveness called the “left-hand column framework.” In his classes, Argyris would ask students to take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. In the left-hand column, they’d jot down what they were thinking during a conversation but did not say. In the right-hand column, they’d write what each person actually said. In most cases, the two columns looked quite different.

In a difficult conversation, our left-hand column is often full of toxic thoughts, feelings, judgments, accusations, assumptions, and criticisms. We don’t ask for a left-hand column; it’s usually a reaction to something upsetting. These unspoken thoughts appear and rise to the surface like bubbles in a glass of champagne.

Everyone knows when someone is not entirely truthful with them — we pick up on their tone of voice and body language. So, when you have a left-hand column, people sense it.

We know that blurting out our left-hand column in its raw, toxic form is unacceptable — we’ll feel bad about saying something rude, and we will badly damage the relationship. But if you keep that left-hand column to yourself for long enough, you may eventually say something you regret.

Detoxify your left-hand column.

Photo by Mikechie Esparagoza on Pexels.com

A left hand column conversation represents the conversation you are having internally in your own head (what you are thinking and feeling). A right hand column conversation is what you actually say out loud to someone.

You can detoxify the left-hand column by uncovering your essential truth and saying it honestly and respectfully. Begin by realizing that a left-hand column shows up because something you care about is at risk. Ask yourself:

• What do I care about that’s at risk?
• What’s bothering me?

Here’s an example: Being on time for meetings is important to me. I value my time and the time of others. If someone is repeatedly late for an appointment, I become irritated, and my left-hand column gets loaded up with things like, “They’re late again. What’s wrong with them? Idiot. Don’t they have any concern for others?”

When I answered the questions above, I discovered I felt disrespected because I interpret someone who often shows up late and doesn’t let me know as being inconsiderate of me and my time. Here’s how I could communicate this honestly and respectfully:

“I have a concern. We’ve discussed the importance of punctuality before; we’re both busy. We agreed to meet at 3 p.m. You arrived at 3:15 and didn’t let me know you were running late. I feel disrespected. I know it’s not your intention to do so. Tell me what happened?”

Just because I do this doesn’t mean the problem is solved. I’ve still got to deal with the response. But, at least, I didn’t suppress my irritation. I brought it up honestly and respectfully, which is the most important thing.

The key points here are:

• The left-hand column is full of valuable information and contains your essential truth. It needs to be detoxified to be helpful.
• Detoxify your left-hand column by determining what you care about that’s at risk.
• Express yourself honestly and respectfully. Use phrases like “I have a concern…,” “My experience is…” or My opinion is…” to open up the conversation.

Have a kitchen conversation.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

A dining room conversation is like presenting a fully cooked dinner. A kitchen conversation shows and explains how the dinner was cooked.

Conversations and relationships break down when people don’t disclose the reasoning behind an idea, proposal, critique, or suggestion. It’s one thing to tell someone the project they’re working on wouldn’t work (dining room conversation). It’s another thing to explain why you think so (kitchen conversation).

Explaining why is a “kitchen” conversation — you pull back the curtain, you define the facts, data, and rationale as you see them. You explain your logic and reasoning. You do this not to prove you are right but to encourage dialogue and so others can reach their conclusions.

And the process goes both ways. When someone states their opinion without backing it up with facts or reasoning, inquiring about how they arrived at their conclusion asks for a “kitchen” conversation. It demonstrates your openness and willingness to learn and understand another perspective.

Here are some other ways you can use the “kitchen” conversation technique:

• If someone doesn’t explain their reasoning, politely ask them. “I understand you believe ‘x’ is the correct way to proceed on the project. Help me understand why you think so?”
• When you have an idea that you believe is essential to bring up but you aren’t sure how exactly how to do it, you can say, “Look, I have an idea here. I think it’s got potential, and here’s why. I want to bring it up for discussion.”

A “kitchen conversation” makes speaking honestly easier because you explain your thought process, your interpretation of the facts, and your point of view. You share not just what you think but why you think the way you do.

A debate is not an argument

Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels.com

The more you try to argue with someone, the less likely you are to convince them of your perspective.

The reason for this is that most arguments are emotional in nature. They come from someone’s values or self-perceptions being violated. Logic is only used to validate those pre-existing beliefs and values. It’s rarely about the objective or logical truth as much as it is repairing people’s worldviews.

For any real debate to truly exist, both parties must be making an honest concession to put their egos aside and only deal with the data.

Honest conversation

Photo by fauxels on Pexels.com

“Never be afraid of the conversations you’re having. Be afraid of the conversations you’re not having.” — Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations

Have you ever struggled with saying what’s really on your mind? We all do. When we’re not being fully honest with others, it’s often because we:

• Don’t want to be rejected.
• Don’t want to upset the other person or damage our relationship with them.
• Don’t want the conversation to get out of control.
• Don’t know how to raise a difficult issue skillfully.

However, problems occur when you don’t speak honestly:

• You suffer because you bottle up unexpressed thoughts and feelings, which tend to accumulate and then at some point come pouring out in angry outbursts, like “You always do that” or “You never clean up after yourself.”
• People wonder what’s going on. They sense you’ve got something to say, but you’re not saying it.
• If you’re working on a team and holding back what you think are good ideas only because they run counter to the groupthink, you may be unintentionally holding back the team’s success.

The hardest part of speaking honestly is often the entry point — what to say and how to say it. A conversation is likely to go better if it starts well. 

Share this:

How are you?

“Hi, how are you?” does not qualify as humble inquiry because it is culturally scripted to elicit “Fine, how are you?”

A humble inquiry does not influence either the content of what the other person has to say, nor the form in which it is said.

Some of the bettwe examples of how to get the conversation started and keep it going:

“So …” (with an expectant look)

“What’s happening?”

“What’s going on?”

“What brings you here?

“Go on…”

“Can you give me an example?”

Humble Inquiry maximizes my curiosity and interest in the other person and minimizes bias and preconceptions about the other person. I want to access my ignorance and ask for information in the least biased and threatening way. I do not want to lead the other person or put him or her into a position of having to give a socially acceptable response. I want to inquire in a way that will best discover what is really on the other person’s mind. I want others to feel that I accept them, am interested in them, and am genuinely curious about what is on their minds regarding the particular situation we find ourselves in.