“The first thing we usually do when someone disagrees with us is that we just assume they are ignorant.
When that doesn’t work. When it turns out those people have all the same information and they still don’t agree with us we move onto a second assumption. They’re idiots. They have all the right pieces of the puzzle and they are too moronic to put them together.
And when that doesn’t work. When it turns out that people have all the same facts that we do and they are pretty smart we move onto a third assumption. They know the truth and they are deliberately distorting it for their own malevolent purposes.“
So this is a catastrophe: our attachment to our own rightness. It prevents us from preventing mistakes when we need to and causes us to treat each other terribly.
We live in an age of polarization. Many of us may be asking ourselves how, when people disagree with or discount us, we can persuade them to rethink their positions. Some are so sure of themselves that they reject good opinions and ideas from others and refuse to abandon their own bad ones. But, Adam Grant, Author, Think Again, writes, “it is possible to get even the most overconfident, stubborn, narcissistic, and disagreeable people to open their minds.” He offers four approaches that can help you encourage a know-it-all to recognize when there’s something to be learned, a stubborn person to make a U-turn, a narcissist to show humility, and a disagreeable one to agree with you.
The first barrier to changing someone’s view is arrogance. We’ve all encountered people who are overconfident: They don’t know what they don’t know. If you call out their ignorance directly, they may get defensive. A better approach is to let them recognize the gaps in their own understanding.
A second obstacle to changing people’s opinions is stubbornness. Intractable people see consistency and certainty as virtues. Once made up, their minds seem to be set in stone. Research shows that asking questions instead of giving answers can overcome people’s defensiveness. You’re not telling them what to think or do; you’re giving them some control over the conversation and inviting them to share her thoughts. Questions like “What if?” and “Could we?” spark creativity by making people curious about what’s possible.
A third hurdle in the way of changing minds is narcissism. Narcissistic leaders believe they’re superior and special, and they don’t take kindly to being told they’re wrong. But with careful framing, you can coax them toward acknowledging that they’re flawed and fallible. It’s often said that bullies and narcissists have low self-esteem. But research paints a different picture: Narcissists actually have high but unstable self-esteem. They crave status and approval and become hostile when their fragile egos are threatened—when they’re insulted, rejected, or shamed. By appealing to their desire to be admired, you can counteract their knee-jerk tendency to reject a difference of opinion as criticism. To nudge them in that direction, affirm your respect for them
A final and the fourth impediment to persuasion is disagreeableness, a trait often expressed through argumentativeness. Disagreeable people are determined to crush the competition, and when you urge them to reevaluate their strategy, that’s what you become. However, if you’re willing to stand up to them rather than back down, you can sometimes gain the upper hand. Because disagreeable people are energized by conflict, they don’t always want you to bend to their will right away; they’re eager to duke it out. You can win them over if you kept fighting for your views by refining and repeating pitches, acknowledging and addressing weaknesses, offering proof of concept, and enlisting supporters.
In a turbulent world, success depends not just on cognitive horsepower but also on cognitive flexibility. When others ack the wisdoml to question their convictions, we need the courage to persuade them to change their minds.
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