Rushing makes you self centered

The idea that rushing can make a person self-centered is not a new one, and several scientists have studied this phenomenon. Research has shown that when we are in a hurry, we tend to become more focused on our own goals and needs, and less attentive to the needs and desires of others. This can lead to a more self-centered and less empathetic mindset.

As psychologist Craig Anderson explains, “When we’re in a hurry, we don’t have time to think about other people. We’re so focused on our own goals that we don’t pay attention to what’s going on around us.” This can result in behaviors that are less considerate of others, such as cutting in line or ignoring someone who needs help.

Similarly, neuroscientist Paul Zak has found that the hormone oxytocin, which is associated with empathy and social bonding, decreases when people are rushed. “When you’re in a hurry, you’re not going to have the same level of empathy for others,” he says.

These findings suggest that taking the time to slow down and be mindful of others can lead to greater empathy and connection. As psychologist Daniel Goleman notes, “When we’re rushing, we’re not fully present in the moment. We’re not really there for ourselves or for others.” By taking the time to be present and mindful, we can cultivate a more empathetic and compassionate mindset.

Empathic concern

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Empathic concern, which is closely related to emotional empathy, enables you to sense not just how people feel but what they need from you. Research suggests that as people rise through the ranks, their ability to maintain personal connections suffers.

One neural theory holds that the response is triggered in the amygdala by the brain’s radar for sensing danger and in the prefrontal cortex by the release of oxytocin, the chemical for caring. This implies that empathic concern is a double-edged feeling. We intuitively experience the distress of another as our own. But in deciding whether we will meet that person’s needs, we deliberately weigh how much we value his or her well-being.

What’s more, some research suggests that the appropriate application of empathic concern is critical to making moral judgments.

Emotional empathy

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Emotional empathy springs from ancient parts of the brain beneath the cortex—the amygdala, the hypothalamus, the hippocampus, and the orbitofrontal cortex—that allow us to feel fast without thinking deeply.

They tune us in by arousing in our bodies the emotional states of others.

Accessing your capacity for emotional empathy depends on combining two kinds of attention: a deliberate focus on your own echoes of someone else’s feelings and an open awareness of that person’s face, voice, and other external signs of emotion.

Cognitive empathy

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Cognitive empathy enables us to explain ourselves in meaningful ways—a skill essential to getting the best from others. Exercising cognitive empathy requires us to think about the feelings of others rather than feel them directly.

An inquisitive nature feeds cognitive empathy. But cognitive empathy is also an outgrowth of self-awareness.

The twelve competencies of emotional intelligence

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According to Daniel Goleman, internationally known psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence, Social Intelligence, and Working with Emotional Intelligence; Emotional Self Awareness is the ability to know your own emotions and their effects on your performance and it involves 12 competencies:

• Self-Regulate is the ability to keep your disruptive emotions and impulses in check in order to maintain your effectiveness under stressful or even hostile conditions. 
• Positivity is the ability to see the best in people, situations, and events so you can be persistent in pursuing goals despite setbacks and obstacles. 
• Achieve means that you strive to meet or exceed a standard of excellence by embracing challenges, taking calculated risks and looking for ways to do things better.
• Adaptability means you can stay focused on your goals, but easily adjust how you get there. You remain flexible in the face of change can juggle multiple demands, and are open to new situations, ideas or innovative approaches. 
• Empathy means you have the ability to sense others’ feelings; have a desire to understand how they see things; and take an active interest in their concerns. 
• Organizational Awareness is the ability to read a group’s emotional currents and power relationships, identifying influencers, networks, and the dynamics that matter in decision-making. 
• Influence refers to the ability to have a positive impact on others and meaningfully engage people in order to get buy-in or gain their support. 
• Coach is the ability to further the learning or development of others by understanding their goals, challenging them, giving them timely feedback, and offering them support. 
• Inspire is the ability to bring your best and motivate others around a shared mission or purpose in order to get the job done.
• Teamwork is the ability to work with others toward a shared goal; build spirit and positive relationships; encourage active participation; and share responsibility and rewards among members of a group.
• Conflict Management is the ability to work through tense or highly charged situations by tactfully bringing disagreements into the open, seeking to understand multiple perspectives, and searching for common ground in order to find solutions people can agree to.

~  

Listening with empathy

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Empathic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel.

The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply, understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually. Empathic listening involves much more than registering, reflecting, or even understanding the words that are said.

Communications experts estimate, in fact, that only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say. Another 30 percent is represented by our sounds, and 60 percent by our body language. In empathic listening, you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behavior. You use your right brain as well as your left. You sense, you intuit, you feel. Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with.

Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart.

When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving.

This need for psychological air impacts communication in every area of life.

~ Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Empathy

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Empathy refers to our ability to sense and feel the thoughts, emotions, and perspectives of others. 

One of four self-management competencies, it’s broken into three types:

• Cognitive empathy: We understand how someone sees and thinks about the world. We can see their perspective and communicate with consideration of their point of view. 
• Emotional empathy: We understand how someone is feeling, either because we can directly relate to their experience or because we can “feel” what it could be like to be in that experience. With this understanding, we deepen our emotional connection. 
• Empathic concern: When we not only understand and feel someone else, but our compassion motivates us to do something on their behalf. Succinctly put: empathy in action.

These three types of empathy are supported by different parts of the brain which explains why some of us struggle to show empathy in one way, but not another. 

Demonstrating any of the three types leads to stronger, healthier relationships. Not only with others, but with ourselves.

Ethos, pathos, and logos

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The early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy that is embodied in three sequentially arranged words: ethos, pathos, and logos. Three words contain the essence of seeking first to understand and making effective presentations.

Ethos is your personal credibility, the faith people have in your integrity and competency. It’s the trust that you inspire, your emotional bank account.

Pathos is the empathic side—it’s the feeling. It means that you are in alignment with the emotional thrust of another person’s communication.

Logos is the logic, the reasoning part of the presentation.

This sequence represents another major paradigm shift. Most people go straight to the logos, the left brain logic, of their ideas. They try to convince other people of the validity of that logic without first taking ethos and pathos into consideration.

~ Covey, Stephen R.. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Autobiographical responses

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Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways.

We evaluate—we either agree or disagree; we probe—we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise—we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret—we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.

These responses come naturally to us. We are deeply scripted in them; we live around models of them all the time. But how do they affect our ability to really understand?

~ Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Maturity

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Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. According to Professor Hrand Saxenian, Harvard Business School, ” it is the ability to express one’s own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others.”

If you examine many of the psychological tests used for hiring, promoting, and training purposes, you will find that they are designed to evaluate this kind of maturity. Whether it’s called the ego strength/ empathy balance, the self-confidence/ respect for others balance, the concern for people/concern for tasks balance, “I’m okay, you’re okay” in transactional analysis language, or 9.1, 1.9, 5.5, 9.9, in management grid language—the quality sought for is the balance of what is courage and consideration. While courage may focus on getting the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term welfare of the other stakeholders.

The basic task of leadership is to increase the standard of living and the quality of life for all stakeholders. Many people think in dichotomies, in either/or terms. They think if you’re nice, you’re not tough. But Win/Win is nice… and tough. It’s twice as tough as Win/Lose. To go for Win/Win, you not only have to be nice, but you also have to be courageous. You not only have to be empathic, but you also have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, but you also have to be brave. To do that, to achieve that balance between courage and consideration is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to Win/Win.

High courage and consideration are both essential to Win/Win. It is the balance that is the mark of real maturity.

~ Covey, Stephen R.. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People