Self-compassion

Your mind actively works to reduce uncertainty as much as possible. You want solutions — not questions left hanging. So, it can be challenging to stop yourself from obsessing over uncertainty and trying to find answers (particularly during stressful situations).

Understandably, uncertainty might feel frustrating, challenging, and uncomfortable. That’s why self-compassion can be so important. Rather than judging yourself for feeling stressed during times of uncertainty, you can acknowledge that it’s normal to feel that way. You can also choose to engage in more self-care strategies, give yourself time to process your emotions, and prioritize activities that inject fun and meaning into your life.

The more you can be self-compassionate towards yourself, the less likely it is that you’ll feel ashamed or “not good enough” for feeling stressed during uncertainty. Instead, you can offer yourself kind and understanding support, which might help you feel less distressed and can also build your ability to tolerate uncertainty in the future.

Soothing Touch is a self-compassion strategy you could try during times of uncertainty. Research has found that the release of oxytocin (a hormone linked to increased levels of wellbeing and less stress) can be prompted by low-intensity stimulation of the skin, such as gentle touch and warmth. You might also like to focus your attention on supportive and kind thoughts, such as “I am safe and well” or “I deserve to show myself compassion during this time of uncertainty and worry.”

You Will Receive A Body

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You may like it or not, but it will be yours for the entire period round.

We’re all born with one body, and thought it will change over time, it’s the same body we’ll die with. You’ll find more flaws in it than anyone else ever will, but it’s yours. It’s your first impression, your comfort, and your protector. You can trash it or cherish it, tattoo it, sunbathe it, fill it with garbage or nutrients, and allow it to be a reflection of what’s inside. Your body is not you, but your mind and your body represent you.

Be kind to your future self

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Humans are pretty bad at picturing our future selves. Research has found that when we think about them (future selves), the brain regions that are activated are similar to those activated when we think about strangers — but not as much to those activated when we think about our current selves.

But the same research found that when people could actually see (simulated) pictures of their future selves, then they made better choices.

This suggests the wisdom of really picturing ourselves on the other side of any hard choice.

This really disciplines in a nutshell. By picturing ourselves on the other side, we don’t have to choose what is immediately easy.

Look to yourself first

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A family is a system made up of interdependent individuals, but that doesn’t mean you can blame your family of origin for the way you are today, any more than you can hold your mate and children responsible for your personal happiness.

Your best hope for fixing any family problem is to attend to your own emotional health. When you act on the belief that you have a right and obligation to assert your own emotional needs, your family will notice that your emotional independence benefits not only you, but the whole family, and they may quickly follow your lead.

The art of learning to self-regulate

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Self-mastery is the present-focused realization that we can always be in command of ourselves — body, mind, and spirit — even while accepting that we may not be able to control all situations or outcomes. It’s about learning how to struggle well, starting by turning our attention inward or engaging in interoceptive awareness. Interoception helps us to be mindful of what is happening below the surface that might be fueling our feelings, thoughts, and actions.

In going into ourselves, we don’t try to quash unpleasant emotions or judge them as wrong or weak. We give them space to tell us something new about what’s going on. We observe and get curious about what moral values, obligations, or responsibilities are not getting met; what this says about the distressing situation and us; and how we might find other ways to satisfy them.

Doing so allows us to regain a sense of calm and perspective that is necessary to stay in our “window of tolerance,” which is key for self-mastery. In this way, in any moment, no matter how difficult, we can make an intentional choice to honor our core values, make principled choices, and take wise, ethically grounded action. Mindfulness practices and titration are two ways to explore this internal space.

Self-control

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“Cognitive control” is the scientific term for putting one’s attention where one wants it and keeping it there in the face of temptation to wander. This focus is one aspect of the brain’s executive function, which is located in the prefrontal cortex. A colloquial term for it is “willpower.”

Cognitive control enables us to pursue a goal despite distractions and setbacks. The same neural circuitry that allows such a single-minded pursuit of goals also manages unruly emotions. Good cognitive control can be seen in people who stay calm in a crisis, tame their own agitation, and recover from a debacle or defeat.

Decades’ worth of research demonstrates the singular importance of willpower to succeed.

How we focus holds the key to exercising willpower. Three subvarieties of cognitive control are at play when you pit self-restraint against self-gratification: the ability to voluntarily disengage your focus from an object of desire; the ability to resist distraction so that you don’t gravitate back to that object; and the ability to concentrate on the future goal and imagine how good you will feel when you achieve it.

Identity theft

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We hear a lot today about identity theft.

The greatest identity theft is not when someone takes your wallet or steals your credit card.

The greater theft happens when we forget who we really are, when we begin to believe that our worth and identity come from how well we stack up compared to others, instead of recognizing that each of us has immeasurable worth and potential, independent of any comparison. This kind of theft comes from being immersed in a culture of shortcuts where people are unwilling to pay the price for true success.

In our families, among friends, and at work, we are constantly in the service of an artificial self-image. When a man found the mirror, he began to lose his soul. He became more concerned with his image than with his true self; he became a product of the social mirror. His center of identity and worth moved outside of himself.

~ Covey, Stephen R.. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

It’s not about you

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Life is not about you. It’s about what you do for others. The faster you are able to get over yourself, the more you can do for the people who matter most. Yet external forces keep pulling you toward self-centered pursuits. From books pushing “happiness” to advertisements convincing you that consumption leads to adoration, these messages tempt you to focus inward. That is all a trap (and a load of crap)

~ Tom Rath, Author, It’s Not About You: A Brief Guide to a Meaningful Life