Have a kitchen conversation.

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A dining room conversation is like presenting a fully cooked dinner. A kitchen conversation shows and explains how the dinner was cooked.

Conversations and relationships break down when people don’t disclose the reasoning behind an idea, proposal, critique, or suggestion. It’s one thing to tell someone the project they’re working on wouldn’t work (dining room conversation). It’s another thing to explain why you think so (kitchen conversation).

Explaining why is a “kitchen” conversation — you pull back the curtain, you define the facts, data, and rationale as you see them. You explain your logic and reasoning. You do this not to prove you are right but to encourage dialogue and so others can reach their conclusions.

And the process goes both ways. When someone states their opinion without backing it up with facts or reasoning, inquiring about how they arrived at their conclusion asks for a “kitchen” conversation. It demonstrates your openness and willingness to learn and understand another perspective.

Here are some other ways you can use the “kitchen” conversation technique:

• If someone doesn’t explain their reasoning, politely ask them. “I understand you believe ‘x’ is the correct way to proceed on the project. Help me understand why you think so?”
• When you have an idea that you believe is essential to bring up but you aren’t sure how exactly how to do it, you can say, “Look, I have an idea here. I think it’s got potential, and here’s why. I want to bring it up for discussion.”

A “kitchen conversation” makes speaking honestly easier because you explain your thought process, your interpretation of the facts, and your point of view. You share not just what you think but why you think the way you do.

Eye-view

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If you’re in the middle of the forest, it’s hard to see the big picture.

The worm’s-eye view is great for focus.

The bird’s-eye view is great for perspective.

You need both, regularly.

The worm’s-eye view is your day-to-day routine.

The bird’s-eye view is the direction you’re headed, and why.

If you don’t regularly step back from the worm’s-eye view, you’re like the airplane that never corrects its course.

You’ve got to get back to the first principles. To the foundation. To the big picture. Every step needs to be directed and focused.

At least weekly, it’s good to step outside of your routine environment and give yourself a few hours to unplug, reset, and re-direct.

There is a reason that taking regular sabbaticals or “mini-retirements” is related to peak performance, productivity, and creativity.

Human beings need time to recharge, think, and rest.

Those who are working the most aren’t those who are DOING the most.

The purpose

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People who are gritty have a calling that is bigger than themselves. People who are motivated to press on recognize the deep meaning and purpose behind their task. When the going gets tough, the tough get going – AS LONG AS IT’S WORTH IT.

Is it worth making that extra effort for you? Why? Answer that question and you’ve got a purpose that will push you onward, even when you feel like you’ve tried everything.

Almost nothing is more motivating than fulfilling a deep, personal calling.

When you feel like giving up, call to mind your calling.

Your behavior is driven by internal rewards

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In psychology, intrinsic motivation distinguishes between internal and external rewards. In “Introduction to Psychology: Gateways to Mind and Behavior With Concept Maps,” the authors offer a definition.

“Intrinsic motivation occurs when we act without any obvious external rewards. We simply enjoy an activity or see it as an opportunity to explore, learn, and actualize our potential.”

When you pursue an activity for the pure enjoyment of it, you are doing so because you are intrinsically motivated. Your motivations for engaging in the behavior arise entirely from within rather than out of a desire to gain some type of reward.

Of course, that isn’t to say that intrinsically motivated behaviors do not come with their own rewards. These rewards involve creating positive emotions within the individual.

“A person’s intrinsic enjoyment of an activity provides sufficient justification for their behavior,” explains author Richard A. Griggs in his book Psychology: A Concise Introduction. “With the addition of extrinsic reinforcement, the person may perceive the task as overjustified and then attempt to understand their true motivation (extrinsic versus intrinsic) for engaging in the activity.”

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What are my motivations?

In order to get real about what you want, you need to understand your motivations.

We all have higher and lower motivations. Or, as James Altucher writes, good reasons and real reasons.

• Higher motivations (good reason) come from our ‘higher’ selves — the person we want to be, or imagine ourselves to be
  
• Lower motivations (real reason) come from our ‘lower’ selves — driven by guilt, desire, ego, uncertainty, etc.
  

We all have these different motivations. The main question is which ones are driving you more and why?

And more importantly: Which ones do you want to drive you more and why? What kind of a person do you want to be?

The point is not to get rid of the lower motivations (that’s impossible), it’s to manage them (instead of letting them manage you).

The point is to get to know them. To be curious about them.

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Why are you doing what you are doing?

In a day’s ife, we end up making small or big decisions and choices, a plenty of them. The choices that we make consciously or subconsciously, shape how we spend our energy in the coming days and in a way they determine the direction where we want to go.

Do you ever quesiton your personal reasons behiind some of these choices that you end up taking?

Usually, most of us have no clue what we want to do with our lives. Even after we finish school. Even after we get a job. Even after we’re making money. It takes significant efforts to clearly define what we want for our lives.

And, yet, we make those choices to be a part of something, against other options available.

I am a big fan of the belief that usually there is always a reason why we make certain choices. Whether we are aware of the reasons consciously or they are hidden varies, but they are there.

To arrive somewhere, you first have to know the destination. But, if you want to live more authentically and sincerely with consistency, you must first know your own motives and whys. An important point is your awareness.

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Why we do what we do

Human motivation seemed to operate by laws that run counter to what most of us tend to believe. We knew what got people going. Rewards intensify interest and enhanced performance.

What Edward Deci found, and then confirmed in the studies he conducted, was almost the opposite. “When money is used as an external reward for some activity, the subjects lose intrinsic interest for the activity,” he wrote.

Rewards can deliver a short-term boost—just as a jolt of caffeine can keep you cranking for a few more hours. But the effect wears off—and, worse, can reduce a person’s longer-term motivation to continue the project.

– Pink, Daniel H.. Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us

Human beings have an “inherent tendency to seek out novelty and challenges, to extend and exercise their capacities, to explore, and to learn. But this drive needs the right environment to survive. Deci’s advices, “one who is interested in developing and enhancing intrinsic motivation in children, employees, students, etc., should not concentrate on external-control systems such as monetary rewards.”

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Finding directions

To be healthy, functioning individuals, we need to feel good about ourselves. To feel good about ourselves, we need to feel that our time and energy is spent meaningfully. Meaning is the fuel of our minds.

The primary way we generate meaning is through relationships. We don’t just have relationships with other people, we also have relationships with our work, with our community, with groups and ideas that we identify with, activities we engage in, and so on. All of these relationships can potentially give our lives meaning and, therefore, make us feel good about ourselves.

Our relationships don’t just give our lives meaning, they also define our understanding of ourselves and about how we want live.

If you work around knowing the directions that you want to take these relationships to, you are moving towards finding meaning and purpose of your life.

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The Why of Why

An important part of goal setting is the why behind the goal, the why represents the emotional pull behind the goal.

So… why is knowing why you’re after a goal important? This is because emotions are capable of helping us override reason, and doing things that we would not otherwise do.

The why gives us a real emotional reason when a goal is long, or when it seems like we’re making no progress towards it. It also forces us to think about whether we really want a particular goal or not – and how strongly we want that particular goal.